Khoa Le

Al In Wonderland

I sat under one of the Battle Oaks and watched as two girls in short skirts strolled by. “Nice legs,” I thought to myself. As I leaned over to catch a better view, I noticed something from out of the corner of my eye. I watched as a flash of white scurried across the grass. “Holy shit! An albino squirrel!” Quickly remembering my professor’s rule, which stated that anybody who was able to catch an albino squirrel was allowed to miss class, I sprung from my spot and gave chase to the animal. I watched as the squirrel ran across twenty-fourth street, and in my excitement, I had forgotten to pay attention to the traffic around me. After a few steps onto the pavement, I found myself on the ground. I had been hit.

I woke up. All around me was desert. The sky was orange, and the moon was a large illuminated clock[1]. I saw the squirrel off in the distance. It smiled at me, turned the other way, and took off. I got up, brushed the dirt off of my clothes and started walking in the direction of the little animal. After about a hundred or so paces, I sensed that something was behind me. I turned around and there it was! The University Tower had appeared out of nowhere! Finding nobody inside, I decided to look around. I walked up the stairs and entered the president’s rooftop garden. There, I heard music coming from behind a little red door on the Northwestern corner of the roof. I examined the door a little closer and realized that there was no way I was going to be able to fit inside. However, when I went in to take a closer look at the door, I was fortunate to find a cooler in the shrubs next to it. I opened it up and found a six-pack of ice-cold longnecks! Attached to each bottle was a little note, which read, “DRINK ME!” I did as I was told and all of a sudden, I found myself shrinking down to the size of a G.I. Joe!

Now realizing that I could fit through the door, I turned around to see if I could find a way to open it. To my surprise, I found the door to already be open. I walked through and found myself on a giant lily pad in the middle of a pond[2]. I spotted the squirrel across the water looking back at me from the shore. “This is all your fault!” I yelled. “How do I get over there?” The albino squirrel grinned at me, gave me the bird, and pulled at some weeds in the ground. As soon as he was able to rip it from the earth, my lily pad began to move. The water around me began to rush towards the center of the pond. It was as if the damn squirrel had unplugged the stopper at the bottom of the pool of water. “You son of a bitch!” I yelled right before I plunged into the water. The squirrel giggled and waved goodbye as I was swept away by the tide.

As I tried to fight the current and swim back to shore, I spotted a turtle. Lucky for me, it was an experienced swimmer and I was able to ride it back to shore. There, we came across a mocking bird and a finch that had also been swept into the current. “That damn albino squirrel did this,” I said.

“That damn albino squirrel did this,” replied the mockingbird.

“That’s what I said.”

“That’s what I said,” he repeated.

“Let me guess. Because you’re a mockingbird, you mock, right? Funny guy,” I said sarcastically.

“Let me guess. Because you’re a mockingbird, you mock, right? Funny guy.”

“Oh don’t mind him. He can’t help it,” said the little finch.

“Whatever. Anyway, tell me where I can find this albino squirrel fellow. I’d like to open up a can of whoop ass on him,” I said.

“Oh I wouldn’t do that,” replied the turtle, “The king is the only one around here who is allowed to discipline others.”

“The king? What the hell! Are we in England? Come on guys! Get real!” I paused and realized how ironic it was that I was telling a bunch of talking animals to “get real.”

The turtle, now obviously frightened, looked at its two friends and said, “Come on guys, let’s get out of here before the king finds us talking to this guy.”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t want to get my fingers on that train wreck,” said the little Finch. “Goodbye Amtrak!”

“Goodbye Amtrak!” repeated the mockingbird.

“Screw you guys! I don’t need your help,” I said as I started to walk in the opposite direction. It was not long after their departure that I found myself lost in a white forest of petrified trees[3]. Upon closer inspection, the rocks appeared to be limestone. Some of them contained fossilized shells in the bark[4]. As I wandered through the forest, I picked up the faint sound of classical music playing in the distance. The siren song led me to a small cottage. I peeked inside the window and saw the albino squirrel sleeping on the couch! “It’s you!” I yelled, “You’re dead!”

The albino squirrel jumped from the couch and ran to the front door. I watched as the little devil locked the deadbolts on the door. “It won’t do you any good! I’m going to kick that door down, and then I’ll kick your ass to boot!” I yelled. I watched as he ran into another room on the other side of the house. I ran to the front of the house and kicked the door down. I paused in the entryway to listen for sounds of where he might be, but heard nothing. I ran towards the back of the house, and found another door. “Dammit!” I said to myself under my breath. The albino squirrel had eluded me once again. I walked back into the living room of the house, and decided to take a nap on the couch. I figured the albino squirrel had to come back at some point. As I was about to fall asleep, I heard a knock on the door. “That was quick!” I thought to myself. I rolled up the sleeve on my left arm so that I could deliver a clean jab to the squirrel’s face, and I turned the knob with my right. To my disappointment, he wasn’t there. Instead, a hairy rat[5] with a backpack and a guitar on its back stood at the door. “Whoa man, who are you?” It asked.

“My name’s Al. Your buddy probably isn’t going to be back for a while, what do you need?”

“Just a place to crash for a little bit. You don’t mind if I hang out here with you do you? The squirrel dude always lets me.”

“I guess. Come on in,” I said.

“Sweet! My name’s Drag,” said the rat. I spent the rest of the evening smoking out of Drag Rat’s hookah and listening to him play his guitar. It was the best time I had had since I entered this strange new world. However, it was cut short by some knocks on the door. “Oh man! They’re after me!” said the rat.

“Who’s after you?” I asked.

“The pigs man! They’re always after me!” The rat was horrified. I glanced through the window and sure enough, there were two pigs wearing police uniforms standing outside of the door.

“Just a minute!” I shouted.

“Here, hang onto this for me,” the rat said as he shoved a bag into my hands.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Just eat some if you get into trouble. The brown ones and the white ones do different things, but you can figure it out. I’ve got to get out of here!” He shouted back as he ran out through the back of the house.

I looked at the bag and realized that they were mushrooms. Judging from my days of bagging groceries in high school, I assumed that one of the mushrooms was a regular old white mushroom, and the other was a portabella mushroom. Needless to say, there was nothing illegal about them. Confident that I was not in any trouble, I opened the door. “Good day officers!” I said.

“I smell mushrooms,” one of the pigs said.

“Let’s see them pal,” said the other.

“Okay officers,” I said, as I pulled out the bags from my pocket. “They’re just ordinary mushrooms.”

“Ordinary my foot! You’re getting the death penalty for this! Come with us!” replied one of the pigs.

“Now wait a minute, I don’t see what the big deal is for having regular old mushrooms on me. I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what I did wrong!” I protested.

“Shut up! We’re going to see the king! If you don’t cooperate, we’ll have to take matters into our own hands.” The pigs then pulled out their batons. Suddenly, I remembered what the rat had told me and I decided to give it a shot. I pulled the portabella mushroom out from its bag and took a bite. Instantly, I grew to be the size of telephone pole. The pigs, horrified from the experience, dropped their batons and took off running.

I stood there and marveled for a minute at the sight of the world around me.

“I see you have an appreciation for your sense of place Al!” a voice called from behind me. Startled, I turned around and saw a flying cat! It was a gray cat with a white beard, and it was wearing a black hat[6]. It was one of those hats that ship captains used to wear in the old days.

“Cats don’t fly!” I said.

“Yeah, well they don’t talk either!” he replied.

“Touché,” I said, “How do you know my name?”

“Why don’t you shrink back down? Then we’ll talk. Take a bite out of the other mushroom.”

I did as I was told and sure enough, I was back to my action figure size. “So, what can you tell me?” I asked.

“I’m sure you want to get out of here, right?” I nodded. “Well, to do so, you must cross the River Styx, and when you reach the Gate of Scone, you must sing to the jaded lion not once, not twice, but thrice! That shall unlock the gate, and then all you have to do is crawl backwards through it. That, my friend, will send you back to your dimension.”

“Wow, really?”

“Nope. Just kidding. All you’ve got to do is go that way,” the cat replied as he pointed off towards the distance. “Head towards the golf course. You’ll run into a couple of crazy guys along the way, but ignore them. Oh and play a round of golf when you get there too.” The cat tipped its hat and faded away.

“Wait!” I shouted, but to no avail. The cat was gone. Oh well, I might as well start walking. Sure enough, as I made my way toward the golf course, I came across two horses[7] sitting at a table behind the bushes. One, named Hatter, was wearing a large green top hat, and the other was a red-haired fellow named Leslie[8]. He was wearing a bra and a mini-skirt. Both were extremely intoxicated and singing the ultimate drinking anthem in Texas, “Friends in Low Places.” I managed to sneak past the obnoxious drunks unnoticed.

I continued walking until I encountered three longhorns wearing football jerseys jogging by[9]. “ Hey which way is it to the golf course,” I asked them.

The three of them stopped to catch their breath and one replied, “What for? Are you playing today?”

“I’d like to,” I responded.

“You think you’ve got what it takes to win? The king is undefeated!” replied another.

“The king? What are you talking about?” I asked.

“Well, you are planning on challenging the king aren’t you?” he asked.

“Well—“ I started.

“What do we have here? A couple of slackers not running as they should!” shouted a voice from behind us. A brown hound dog wearing an orange and white baseball cap[10] appeared with an entourage of supporters.

“Sorry, sir! We’ll be on our way,” replied one of the longhorns.

“You’ll be on your way alright! Off with their heads! I don’t tolerate slackers!” replied the king. A couple of the king’s henchmen appeared and took the three longhorns away. The king then turned to me and said, “You, tell me your name and tell me your purpose or it’ll be off with your head as well!”

“My name is Al, and I’m here to challenge you to a round of golf!” I reply.

“Ha! I’m the best golfer in the land. Everyone knows that! But since you do not, I must therefore humiliate you to prove my excellence. Where are your clubs?”

“Right here,” shouted a voice from behind the crowd. It was the bearded cat again! “I’m his caddy,” replied the cat. He came up to me, jabbed me in the rib and whispered, “Get it? Cat-ty?”

I rolled my eyes and said, “Yeah, right.”

“Very well then, onward to the golf course!” shouted the king. We agreed to play nine holes. Although the king kept changing his scores, we were tied going into the final hole. Emotions were high as we walked towards the final tee box. To liven things up, the bearded cat decided to play a practical joke on the king. As the king was setting his ball on the pin, the bearded cat snuck into his bag and bent all of the king’s clubs into the shape of animals! When the king reached for his driver, he ended up pulling out a giraffe.

“What the hell is this?” he shouted! “Who is responsible for this?” The king looked around, and focused his attention on the cat and I.

“Why did you do that?” I whispered to the cat.

“Don’t worry, just remember that your sense of place can be more powerful than anything in the world. Got to go!” And just like that, the cat disappeared.

“Aha! It seems like your caddy knows what’s best for him! It was you who did this wasn’t it?” said the king.

“Hey no way man! I had nothing to do with that!” I replied.

“Silence! Off with his head!” shouted the king. And with a snap of his fingers, a whole herd of longhorns wearing football jerseys stampeded towards me. As I ran for my life, I began to try to make sense of what the cat was telling me. How could my sense of place be more powerful than a stampede? Then it hit me. I reached into my pocket, pulled out the brown mushroom, and bit into it. Instantly, I was transformed again into a giant. I turned around, let out a roaring laugh and began stomping on the longhorns that were coming at me. The more I crushed, the more I laughed, until finally I woke up.

“Why are you laughing?” asked a girl who was hovering above me. It was one of the same girls I had been staring at right before I was hit.

“What happened?” I asked.

“Dude, you got hit by a mo-ped,” she responded and signaled towards the vehicle that was at my feet.

“Yeah, sorry about that, man,” said the driver, “You should really look both ways before you cross the street. It could’ve been way worse for you, man.”

I slowly stood up and looked at my reflection in the mo-ped’s mirror. “Man, everything’s backwards,” I thought to myself. Then I wondered what it would be like to live in a world in which everything is done in the opposite order.

[1] The tower clock, like the moon, has control over people’s lives.

[2] The biology pond located on the University of Texas.

[3] These are really the limestone buildings on the campus.

[4] Some of the buildings have shells and sea creatures carved into their exteriors.

[5] The “drag rat” is really a homeless musician on “The Drag.”

[6] This description matches that of English professor Jerry Bump.

[7] The mustangs from the sculpture on 24^th Street and San Jacinto Street.

[8] Named after the famous cross-dressing homeless man from Austin.

[9] These are really members of the Longhorn football team.