"One hundred and fifty points...one hundred and fifty points..." echoed the stern voice of Bump. The red and gold Annotated Alice floated around malevolently, as did the seal of Oxford, various Millais paintings, and talking statues.
Jamie arose with a start, and rubbed the keyboard-imprint on her forehead. She looked at the Microsoft Word screen to see what her forehead had typed:
hgnj
She moved to delete it, as Bump was not fond of misspelled gibberish words, when out of the corner of her eye she noticed a white longhorn with pink eyes run close by her. (1) This incident she took as a matter of course until the longhorn took a watch out of its pocket and cried, "I'm late! I'm so very late to class!" And even so, the only thing Jamie thought was terribly unusual was that anyone cared about being late at all. "That longhorn must be a freshman," she thought, "how amusing! I'm bored with this project anyway, so I might as well follow it." She ran after the animal just in time to see it fall down a longhorn-hole underneath a hedge. (2) "I didn't know longhorns could dig, but this hole seems large enough, so I think I'll creep inside," said Jamie. And so, she crawled right in with no consideration of how she would graduate...er, get out again. (3)
All of a sudden, Jamie found herself falling. At first she was frightened, but then she began to realize the hood of her omnipresent windbreaker had formed a small parachute and was causing her to float slowly downward. No longer alarmed at her velocity, she tried looking at the sides of the hole and saw a confusing array of maps and abbreviations tacked onto the wall. "HRC? UGL? SSB? ... WTF? Oh, that wasn't a very ladylike thing to say, was it?" (4) Jamie felt slightly guilty, even though no one was around to hear her curse. She saw a jar on a shelf during her descent labeled "BURNT ORANGE MARMALADE," but to her chagrin it was empty. (5) She managed to put it on another shelf as she kept falling, and she continued to go down for what seemed like forty acres, which would be a rather long distance to walk, if there were such a thing as walking down a vertical hole. (6) Jamie was starting to doze off, but all of a sudden, thump! thump! down she came upon a heap of Daily Texans. (7)
Jamie wasn't hurt, and quickly looked around for the clock-watching longhorn, which was running away yelling about how late it was getting. She turned a corner and found that the longhorn had disappeared behind one of a large array of generic wooden doors, that were numbered in black ink in a rather confusing order. "101 here...110 here...and 102 is at the end of the hallway! What a confusing place!" (8) Jamie tried all the doors, but they were locked. She made her way sadly to the middle of the hallway, wondering how she was ever to get anywhere. At least, she had the pile of Daily Texans to read. She went back around the corner to where she had fallen and found in the place of the pile of newspapers a Student ID. (9) Excitedly, she ran around swiping the card on all of the electronically locked doors, but the ID did not open any of the locks. Jamie was discouraged until she saw that she had missed a tiny door at the end of the hallway. The ID opened this door, and Jamie got down on her hands and knees and peered inside. She saw a beautiful rooftop garden full of statues, and a fancy office with stained glass windows. (10) Jamie wanted more than anything to leave the hallway and visit the fancy garden, but she was too big. "I guess that garden isn't meant for average students like me," she surmised. She got up off her hands and knees and considered sitting on the floor to wait, but a small bottle had somehow appeared behind her where she had planned to sit. Jamie picked it up. Around its neck was a paper label that said, "DRINK ME!" She sniffed at its contents and it had the bitter odor of a cheap beer. "Well, I suppose this is all part of the experience," she reasoned, and chugged the beer in one shot. (11) "What a curious feeling!" (12) She shrank to fit the tiny door, but had forgotten to put the ID in her pocket, and the plastic card was now about half her size and too heavy to lift. This upset Jamie greatly, and she began to bawl due to the effects of the alcohol. In the haze of tears she noticed a box that had been too small for her to see before. It was full of "Wendy's" food, and marked with the words "EAT ME." (13) Jamie knew full well that fries and a burger would have a sobering effect, so she thankfully ate the food. Unfortunately, the mix of food and drink made her sleepy, and she curled up into a ball onto the floor. "Nothing like falling asleep as a device to make the narrative skip ahead," Jamie muttered, before letting out some rather loud snores.
All of a sudden, she found herself soaking wet and on a beach with her classmates. (14) Not really caring how they all got there, the first question was how they would all get dry again. Jamie had a long argument about this with Roger, who would only say, "I'm older than you, and must know better." (15) Eventually, Jess called out, "Sit down everyone! I'll make you all dry; this is the driest thing I know! Everyone be quiet!" She opened a thick book with a manila cover, (16) which was curiously not ruined by the water, and began to read:
"We are now about to enter upon the examination of that school of Venetian architecture which forms an intermediate step between the Byzantine and Gothic forms; but which I find may be conveniently considered in its connection with the latter style. In order that we may discern the tendency of each step..." (17)
"Ugh!" everyone cried, at the Ruskin.
"I have a better idea," said Courtney. "Let's all have a race!"
"What kind of race?" Jamie inquired.
"A Student Government race!" piped up Brent. Everyone groaned.
"I'm sorry," Jamie slipped in, "but I really must go, you see, I was chasing this longhorn with a pocket watch earlier, and besides, we'll dry out on our own no matter what."
Most of the class didn't seem to care as Jamie snuck off to continue her journey.
She continued walking along the beach until it was nightfall. To her amazement, she reached a part of the beach where the sun was happily shining! The moon appeared to be jealous, and was sticking its tongue out at the glowing orb. "How rude," the moon said, "the sun is spoiling all my fun!" (17A) "What has happened here?" asked Jamie, but the moon remained silent, preferring to sulk. The beach was oddly quiet and free of birds, and there weren't even clouds in the sky anymore. This puzzled Jamie greatly, as the night had been overcast. However, what was even more puzzling was when two figures walked toward her and handed her a broom. Upon further examination, they were a Walrus and a Carpenter. "Could you clear away this sand?" they asked. (17B) The Carpenter seemed especially sad that the sand was spoiling the beach. Jamie felt sorry for him, but laughed at the absurdity of the situation and said, "Why don't you get those oysters that are following you around to do it? You might even get them to make some pearls for you." Indeed, there was a line of oysters following the two around. They seemed happy, friendly, and trusting. "Oh no, said the Carpenter, "no good to do that before we eat them! They would get all gritty." When the oysters heard this, they screamed, and fled into the ocean. The Walrus and Carpenter tried to chase them, but to no avail. "Now look what you've done!" wailed the Walrus. "You've ruined our dinner, and the poem!" "It's not as if I haven't spied anything else good to eat around here!" yelled the Carpenter, eyeing the Walrus oddly. Jamie backed away as the argument between the two became more heated. The Carpenter, being terribly hungry, apparently decided to try his luck with Walrus meat instead. Jamie had to run and hide behind a sand dune and plug her ears against the horrible screams. Several hours later, she emerged to see a red-stained spot with two tusks sticking out of the sand. "I hope the Carpenter didn't eat all of the rest...how grisly! Still, if the Walrus was going to eat those poor oysters, maybe he deserved it." Jamie stared at the nasty memento on the sand some more, and thought to herself that she should probably continue her quest to find what she was looking for.
She searched around in vain until she heard a thunder of hooves and came face to face with the longhorn. He called out to her, in a very angry tone, "Why, Mary Ann, what are you doing out here? Go fetch me a pair of flip-flops and a blue book! Quickly, now!" (18) Jamie was taken aback. "He must have mistaken me for his roommate, and what a poor way to treat your roommate, too! No wonder he is in a hurry, if he needs a blue book he must have an exam today. I'll go see what I can find." She wandered around some more until she came to a neat little first-floor apartment with the word "Bevo" scrawled across the door in permanent marker. (19) She tried the door, and it was unlocked, as the real Mary Ann had probably stepped out to go to the laundry room, and was far too trusting. At this point, Jamie was thirsty from wandering around, so, after finding what the longhorn wanted, she popped open the refrigerator and drank the first bottle she grabbed.
This wasn't really wise, as she instantly grew into a giant, and her arm sailed out the window. (20)
"Bother!" Jamie cried, "this is no good at all! I can't always be shrinking and growing and being ordered around by longhorns! I want to go home!" (21) At the magic utterance of these words, the entire world faded to black, and Jamie found herself in an entirely new situation.
All of a sudden, Jamie had been transported to a small office full of books. In the center sat a distinguished looking professor, solemnly taking hits off a bong. She stared, halfway curious if he would share, but stood still. After a while the professor asked, "Who are you?" (22) Jamie stammered, "I don't know, things have been rather odd lately. I keep shrinking and growing and popping into different planes of existence. Also, I've been chasing this longhorn, but I haven't really had any success catching him..." "Bah!" yelled the professor, "quit chasing the damn longhorn around and figure out why you want to be here. That is the whole point, the whole point." (23) Jamie was stunned by his coherence. "The only way to leave the longhorn hole for good isn't one of these," he now dangled around a diploma, "but learning who you are, and taking that knowledge, and going forth in the world." The professor then ripped the diploma into long strips and used it to roll joints. "All paper is good for anyway...say...you have any food?"
Jamie backed away slowly. "I think it's time for me to leave," she whispered.
She turned around to open the door to the smoky office and saw her right hand, and an empty Pepsi can. Groggily, she sat back in her computer chair. The blank screen of her computer mocked her, project-free. Jamie was awake. She got up to get a drink, but remembered what had been happening with drinks lately, and decided against it. Sitting back down, she felt refreshed enough to begin writing. "Quit chasing the longhorn," she thought. (24) So, Jamie embarked on trying something fresh and creative, giving up automatic, academic prose for good. Screw the grade -- a fresh part of her education was finally beginning.
Word Count: 2,192
Link to a sound file. (Laurence Fishburne, "The Matrix")
Let Bump listen to it first so you guys don't eat up what little free bandwidth I have...thanks!
(1) Carroll, pg 11 -- "...when suddenly a White Rabbit with pink eyes ran close by her."
(2) This is the substitute for the rabbit-hole.
(3) The longhorn hole as metaphor for the college experience. The only way to walk out is with a diploma...or is it?
(4) Humanities Research Center (Harry Ransom Center?), Undergraduate Library, Student Services Building, What the F**k. Whether the last is written on the wall or uttered by Jamie is up to the reader to figure out. This annoying array of abbreviations is indicative of the confused freshman experience.
(5) Carroll, pg 13 "ORANGE MARMALADE" -- this is an obligatory reference to UT's school colors.
(6) Another UT reference -- Alice actually thinks she has fallen 4,000 miles (Carroll 13)
(7) "when suddenly thump! thump! down she came upon a heap of sticks and dry leaves" (Carroll 14)
(8) Hallway numbering joke. This inconsistency is a fact in many UT buildings.
(9) The golden key (Carroll 15)
(10) President Faulkner's office and garden, which is off limits to most in real life too.
(11) Obligatory alcohol reference.
(12) Quote from Carroll 17
(13) Because fries and a burger are so much better than currant cakes.
(14) Ahead to chapter three (Carroll 29)
(15) Quote verbatim from the Lory (Carroll 29)
(16) The course packet, volume two.
(17) The opening sentence of Ruskin's "The Nature of Gothic" on page 670 in the course packet. In Alice, Carroll uses a history of the Battle of Hastings. (Carroll 30)
(17A) The Walrus and the Carpenter (Carroll 183)
(17B) "If seven maids with seven mops /swept it for half a year" (Carroll 184)
(18) Carroll, pg 37 -- the Rabbit really wants gloves and a fan, but I have changed the items to something a student might wear or need.
(19) "a neat little house" (Carroll 38)
(20) (Carroll 39)
(21) "It was much pleasanter at home," thought poor Alice -- (Carroll 39)
(22) Verbatim, Caterpillar (Carroll 47)
(23) The story diverges here in order to wrap up neatly with a theme. This is my story after all, not Alice's. Besides, stopping here leaves plenty of room to expand.
(24) Quit chasing the longhorn -- i.e., take your own journey and don't follow others.
Works Cited
Bump, Jerome. E320M Course Packet - Volume 2. Austin: Jenn's Copy, 2004.
Carroll, Lewis and Martin Gardner. The Annotated Alice. New York: Norton, 2000.
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