Dramatis Personae:
Queen of Hearts
Mock Apple
Mad Hatter
March Hare
Doormouse
Tweedlebee
Tweedlemum
Humpty Dumpty
Caterpillar
Rose
Aster
Evening Primrose
Cheshire Cat
White Rabbit
A Royal Tea-Party
There was a collection of odd-shaped
tables set out alongside a brook in front of the museum,[1]
and the Queen of Hearts and her subjects[2]
were having tea at it: a Mock Apple was
sitting in a pot in the center of the circular arrangement, and the others were
seated around the tables. The individual
tables were rather small, but there were a great many of them, all shaped like
rounded-off trapezoids.[3] They fit together poorly, though, so the
circle was misshapen. Off to the side of
the tables was a solitary door, propped open by doorstop. The Queen’s subjects were rather spread out
among the seats: the Mad Hatter and the
March Hare sat two seats to her right, with the Doormouse
sleeping in between. Two seats away from
the Hare sat Tweedlebee and Tweedlemum,
who were also three seats from Humpty Dumpty, who was
five seats from the Caterpillar, who was eight seats from a Rose, an Aster, and
an Evening Primrose (who seemed to be enjoying their tea, though Alice had
never known flowers to drink much of anything, much less tea at a table with
the Queen!), and they were exactly thirteen seats from the Queen.[4] As she approached,
Suddenly the White Rabbit[5]
ran past
“Here she comes!
Miss
Americaaaa…”
“That is very nice, but what is your
point?” asked the Queen confusedly.
“With all due respect, were you not
just singing to me? And did you not just
call me ‘Miss
“I certainly was singing to you: who
else would I be singing to? But I didn’t
call you Miss
“I’m late? Late for what?”
Suddenly the Mock Apple[7]
spoke up: “For the tea party, of
course!”
“Exactly,” confirmed the Queen,
“you’re late for the tea party.”
“Oh, I’m terribly sorry; I didn’t
realize that there was a tea party, much less what time it began…”
“No matter! You were late, the damage is done! Now off with your points!” cried the Queen.
“My points?”
“Yes!
Your points! You were late, so
you lose points! Off with them!” the
Queen shouted as she made a mark on a paper on the table. “Now, let’s begin! Oh, but where are my manners? Would you like some tea…
“Oh, yes, I would very much like some
tea,” she replied as she took a seat.
The Mad Hatter[8]
piped up in a rather poor English accent: “Well, too bad, ‘cause we ‘aven’t go’ any.”
“ ‘Then it
wasn’t very civil for you offer it,’ said
“It wasn’t very civil of you to be late to the tea party,” said
the Queen, with a sharp glance at
Tweedlebee[11]
and Tweedlemum[12]
jumped up and shouted in unison:
“Oh! Me! Me!
Let me go first!”
“Go ahead, Tweedlebee,”
said Tweedlemum.
“Contrariwise, you ought to present
first.”
“Nohow! You go first, dear brother.”
“But I think that you should
go first.”
“Nohow! They should see your M first!”
“Then why don’t you show it to them,
silly?”
“Alright, I’ll show it to them,”
conceded Tweedlemum, as he gave his brother a hug and
took his M. “This,” he said while pointing to a very
ornate letter M, “is an M.
Tweedlebee drew it. It has…leaves and flowers and trees growing
on it.” This M did, in fact, seem to be made of two trees covered with vines and
flowers. The leaves created the arches
and the trunks the sides of the M.
“Very good! And what does this M stand for?” asked the Queen.
“M
is for…Mammoth…and Monkeys! And Me!”
“And me!” exclaimed the March Hare.
“And Mortuary Science,” added
the Doormouse.
“Yes, yes, and don’t forget Mobile Home Construction,[13]”
the Queen said, “but M is also for
Medieval and Morris and Many other things.
Now, Tweedlebee, would you kindly show us
your—er, Tweedlemum’s—M?”
Holding up his brother’s curly letter,
Tweedlebee said, “Certainly! This is Twee-“
“And you know what else begins with M?” the Queen interrupted,
“Modernism. Modernism is very different
from Medievalism—“
A rather annoyed Tweedlebee
barged in: “Your
Highness! I was speaking just now,
trying to present this M! Would you kindly listen?”
“Ah, yes, listening! Listening is very important. You should all be sure to listen to each
other; you’ll feel loved and cared about.
Alice, would you be a dear and read our definition of listening?”
“Haven’t got one?” she gasped. “And it
appears that you don’t have your books either!
Why did you not bring your books to the tea party? Off with your points!! Alright everyone, how many points should
“But—but—Your Highness!” protested
“Five!”
“Twenty-three!”
“Ten-sixty-six!”
“Seventeen and a
half!”
“Well, since none of you can agree, I
suppose she’ll just have to lose all
of her points!” The Queen marked on her
paper once again. “No more points for
“I’m—I’m sorry, Your Majesty, but I
don’t believe I know that one. I do know
Twinkle Twinkle,
Little Star, though. Surely I could
sing that!”
“No, no, Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star won’t
do. I want to hear Twinkle Twinkle, Little Bat. It’s in your book, but you don’t have that
because you aren’t prepared! Would
anyone else like to perform?”
“I can!” The Mad Hatter took a deep breath and began
to sing
“ ‘Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How
I wonder what you’re at!
Up
above the world you fly
Like
a tea-tray in the sky,
Twinkle,
twinkle—‘ “[14]
Here the Mock Apple[15]
suddenly climbed out of her pot, crawled around on all fours, and began
munching on the grass (“A strange thing for an apple to do,” thought
“Why are you a sheep?” inquired
“Because I am. And I’m not an apple. I was
a mock apple, but now I’m a sheep. Look
at me eat grass!” replied the Mock Apple. Just as she said that, a pig ran past the
tables and down into the brook.
“What was that?” cried the Aster.[16]
“I think it was a pig!” said the
astounded Rose.[17]
Obviously disgusted, the Mock Apple
exclaimed, “That’s gross! Absolutely repugnant;
repugnant and gross!”
“Well, what do you think a pig is
doing at our tea party?” asked the Queen.
“That really is the question for today.”
“It’s just a pig; it’s running along,”
stated Humpty Dumpty[18]
rather matter-of-factly. “See? It’s running back home. That’s all it was, just a pig, ‘neither more
nor less.’[19] ”
The Queen turned to look at him. “A pig is never just a pig!” she said.
“Then what do you think it is, Your
Highness?” Humpty Dumpty asked indignantly.
“That’s for you to discover,” replied
the Queen. “ ‘You
may feel at times that you are not being [told] what you ought to be [told], that
[I do] not seem to give you the answers you seek, but you actually are in a
situation where no one knows the answers.’[20]
”
The Caterpillar[21]
drew a long breath from the hookah at his side and blew out the smoke in
perfect rings. After a moment of
contemplation, he said: “I
choose…neither side.”
“Fair enough. You may be our token Nominalist. Now, to begin! Modernists, state your case!” the Queen
demanded.
The Aster, who had heretofore been
rather quiet, spoke up: “I think that
modernism is better because it repre—“
“No, medievalism is better!”
interrupted the Mad Hatter. “It’s so
much prettier; just look at all of the flowers and detailing. Medievalist architecture is so cool!”
The Queen intervened: “You’re right, Hatter, but it was not your turn
yet. Let Aster speak.”
“As I was saying,” she continued,
“modernism represents progress and change.”
“But why is that change good?” asked the Queen.
Humpty Dumpty
jumped into the conversation: “We need
change like that to discover new things and to become a better society! Besides, if we didn’t try to be more modern,
what would the engineers do? Build the
same kind of houses and buildings? That
would get boring!”
The Mad Hatter was about to respond,
but he was cut off before he could begin— “Moooooo!” lowed a
longhorn who had wandered nearby to drink from the brook.
“Oh, good! Our mascot has arrived!” The Queen stood up and greeted the
visitor. “Good day, Bevo! Thank you for joining our party this
afternoon.”
Bevo stood
on his hind legs and shook the Queen’s hand as best he could
with his hooves. “It’s very
nice to be here. I’m sorry I’m late,
though. I had a football game to
attend.”
“It’s quite alright; I
understand. You must be very busy with
all of your duties as mascot. But now let
us celebrate your birthday!”
“Your Majesty, it’s not my
birthday.”
“Then let’s celebrate your
un-birthday!” yelled the Evening Primrose.
The other guests murmured in agreement.
“ ‘I beg your
pardon?’
‘I’m not offended,’ said [the Primrose.]
‘I mean, what is an
un-birthday…?’ ”
“It’s a day that isn’t your birthday,
of course!” answered the Primrose.
“Then why celebrate it?”
“Well, why not?”
“The eyes of Bevo are upon you,
All the livelong day.
The eyes of Bevo are upon you,
You cannot get away.
Can’t you hear him mooing
At night or early in the morn.
The eyes of Bevo are upon you
‘Til
Dinah blows her horn![22]”
It seemed to
TSuddenly the bell tower
chimed again, and everyone began to stand.
“Where do you all think you’re going?” the Queen bellowed. “My tea party isn’t over yet! We aren’t done worshipping! Come back!”
The guests started to leave one by one, and the Queen became more and
more infuriated. “Off with your points! Of with them all! No—off with your heads!” She grabbed an axe from under the table and
started to run after the nearest guest:
Word Count: 2408
[1] Waller Creek at 24th and
[2] ie, Professor Bump and his class.
[3] Like the tables in PAR 104.
[4] The empty chairs around the table are the Fibonacci numbers: 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13…
[5]
[6] David
[7] Meredith
[8]
[9] The Annotated
[10] We spent part of a
class period at the Harry Ransom Center (HRC) examining William Morris’s
designs, including some very ornate letters.
After seeing Morris’s work, we created our own Ms and presented them in the following class.
[11] Jessica Bernard
[12] Lauren Moore
[13] Mobile home
construction and mortuary science are stereotypically vocational majors, and
have become a bit of a running joke in class.
Unlike liberal arts majors, such as Plan II, vocational majors prepare
people for a certain career. These
majors provide a specialized knowledge instead of a broad understanding of ourselves and society.
Prof. Bump routinely chides David, the Doormouse,
for studying other subjects (which Bump calls mortuary science and mobile home
construction) in class.
[14] The Annotated
[15] Meredith is often
referred to by her middle name, Eve, in class.
She has become the class scapegoat, much like
the biblical Eve is the scapegoat for mankind. The Mock Apple is a reference to the apple
that Eve ate in the Garden of Eden. The
Mock Apple is repeating many things which Meredith has done (sitting in the
middle of the circle, crawling on the ground, eating grass, etc) in class.
[16]
[17] Rania
[18] Nick
[19] The Annotated
[20] Fighting with Words
[21] Eric
[22] This is a parody of
“The Eyes of Texas,” the alma mater of the
The eyes of
All the livelong day.
The eyes of
You cannot get away.
Do not think you can escape them,
At night or early in
the morn.
The eyes of
‘Til
Gabriel blows his horn!”
It is sung to the tune of “I’ve Been Workin’ on the Railroad.”