The Olsons…the new Zulieka Dobson

A black stretch limo pulls up to Jester as rows of people push in to get a better look. The crowd is suddenly quiet. All that can be heard is the constant click of cameras. The limo stops. Two large men with pony tails walked out of the car and open the side door in the back of the limo. There they are, hair shining in the sun. The crowd erupted with hands waving in the air. UT life would never be normal again after the Olson twins. President Faulkner walked up to the twins tipped his top hat and with an Olson on each side escorted them up the dark brown gravel steps to Jester.

The Olson twins had made their mark on the world. They do not know what it is like to be a normal person and not famous. They are also never separated. Ever since their first appearances on the hit family TV show “Full House,” the twins were destined for stardom. They have traveled the world making movies. Their children films have made them millions and their clothing lines have made them even more. Millions of men across the nation celebrated their 18^th birthday knowing that thinking the Olson’s are hot is no longer perverted. Yes this fact might seem sick to many, but they are a sensation. Three months ago the young stars decided they wanted a normal college life. After talking to Jenna Bush, Texas seemed like the right place for celebrities to be. The University was thrilled at the news.

On the walk up to their rooms they passed by an RA that worked the desk at Jester named Noah. Noah comes from a small town in the middle of nowhere. He is the first person from his family to attend a University. Due to his parents being poor Noah was forced to work as an RA to cover his living expenses. Noah only wore the t-shirts that RA’s were given. His clothes are worn and his cheap sandals consist of duct tape holding them together. Upon the Olson twins walking by the Jester desk Noah reached up to his worn RA t-shirt and held his hand to his chest as if his heart was going to jump out and run away. The girls merely walked by without a notice or care. President Faulkner was so intrigued by the twins that he offered them the entire 14^th floor of Jester West. He paid for the extra hundred fifty rooms from the added tuition money tacked on last year. UT shuttle buses are catching on fire right and left due to technical problems and the Olson twins are being bathed with Student funds in order to make their accommodations more comfortable.

As the elevator halted at the 14^th floor, the twins stepped off to be introduced to the President of the Student Body, Dude Stevens. Dude was an interesting fellow from Dallas, TX. Just about everything in life seemed to just fall into Dude’s hands from girls to sports to politics. As the twins walked off the elevator Dude stayed poised looking out the window at the view of the tower thinking about all of the students he had to please. Dude was not happy with having to attend a dinner with the Universities most prized new celebrities. He had to leave a class field trip early at Taniguchi Gardens in order to make the dinner. Dude was extremely embarrassed standing there with the rest of the class in shorts and a t-shirt and there he was in a full suit. Disgruntled, bored, and uncomfortable Dude finally turned around when Faulkner called is name. “Young ladies, it is my pleasure to introduce you to the Student Body President, Dude.”

Dude turned around slowly and with his fake campaign smile greeted each of the Olson’s, “The student body is so glad to have you here.” He said in a monotone boring voice. The four continued into the hall where a beautiful feast was waiting.

Faulkner did most of the talking at dinner with the twins quite perplexed by the odd lack of attention given to them by Dude. Dude would throw in a smart remark from time to time, but stay focused on his food, which was quite better than the normal Jester blue stuff. Finally the dinner was over and Dude shook their hands said his farewells and left the twins to try to find room for their clothes on the entire 14^th floor. The twins discussed the interesting dinner with each other wondering what Dude’s story is. “I hated the way he treated us.” Mary-Kate pouted. “Does he know who we are?” Ashley asked. Deep inside though the girls felt something glow. It felt like the spark when they first saw their name on their first clothing line or learned that they had made over ten million on their fifth trust fund. The glow made its way from deep inside and broke out into a blush on each of their faces. They were in love with Dude.

Dude meanwhile drove home feeling awkward. He had just been able to eat dinner with the Olson twins and not show one sign of excitement or interest in one word they said. The truth is Dude grew up with the Olson twins. Not literally but in the truest sense on TV. Dude has commitment problems though. He had never gone on a repeat date with any girl. It was always just once. Girls would try to start the date at 9 AM just so that they could have a full day date because they knew that it would be their last. Dude didn’t turn on Rio Grande Street to go home instead he found himself driving towards Town Lake.  Dude’s head felt like a yo-yo bouncing up and down. He had so many feelings all at once. He had just dined with the most beautiful women he had ever seen. He swore that he wouldn’t be star struck that he would treat the spoiled girls like they were just another student. Instead he felt alone being separated from them. All he could think about was the twins. He didn’t even complete his English reading that night. He stayed up staring at the ceiling in shock of how strongly he felt. Never had he let anyone intrude upon his bubble. Before he could fall asleep the sun came up and the first day of classes has begun.

Dude jumped to his feet and ran to take a shower and get dressed. He spent an unusual extra half hour in front of the bathroom mirror ensuring that a couple of strands of his hair fell just right across his forehead. Dude hopped into his car and drove to the parking garage next to his office. As he took a right into the parking garage he hit the brakes in order to dodge a scruffy looking student. The student spilled coffee all over his shirt as the bumper of the car missed by a hair. Noah yelped in pain as the coffee burned his skin through his thinly worn shirt. The Dude felt bad and asked if he could drive Noah wherever he needed to go. After a moment or two of cussing Noah agreed. “Well I don’t guess the twins will think much of a coffee stained shirt now will they?” Noah said trying to dry his shirt. “Do you know the Olson twins?!” Dude asked. Noah shook his head looking out at the tower in the distance. “I was going to see if I could get lunch with them at the Union.” Dude’s ears perked up at the news. The women he loved would be eating in the Union he had frequented so often. His mind left the car to wonder which restraint the twins will want to eat at in the Union, which dining area they will sit at, and will they use Bevo Bucks or regular money, all of those worthless things that people think about when they are in love. Both students were zoned out of the car and focused on the Olson twins.

Dude pulled into President Faulkner’s parking spot and left his car there headed for the Union. He did not care if he got ten tickets he was going to eat lunch with the two girls that put the smile in his everyday. Well at least in his present day. Noah yelled “Thanks for the ride.” As he chased Dude. Dude finally reached the Union and searched the place from 4^th floor to the bowling in the basement. He did not see the twins anywhere. In a flustered state that composed Dude was not used to he sulked into a chair and put his head down on the table. A couple of minutes passed and he suddenly felt more and more stupid for the way he was acting. Finally he decided to drive back to the parking garage and go to class. He raised his head off the table to find the Olson twins right there smiling at him. “Long time no see” they said. Dude jumped up and hugged both of them asking them if they would do him the great honor of spending the rest of the day with him and being his date at the mixer downtown that night. All his feelings came out in three minutes as he continued to tell them that he stayed up last night thinking of them, that he parked in the President’s spot just to get a few extra minutes time with them. He finally found himself professing his love to them. It was as if a plane was spiraling down to the earth and once he said the word “love” it crashed and burst into flames. Finally, Dude stopped, out of breath, and shaking. The twins looked at each other and turned away with puzzled faces. They did not know what had just happened. Dude’s appeal was not that he is Student Body President, but rather the way in which he treated them, as normal people and maybe even less than that. It was intriguing for them, something different. Unfortunately Dude is now just one in the millions of men from the age of 12 to 100 that are in love with the twins.

Though the twins did not feel very much for Dude anymore they remembered the way he made them feel the day before and remained a bit intrigued. The twins were up front with Dude and let him know that they were unfortunately too busy with their movie work and class work to have a boyfriend. Dude continued to be there for them and help them do everything. He was more than happy to shampoo their smelly Jester carpet, take out their trash, and even carry their umbrellas for them on a rainy day.

Noah watches from the Jester desk. He sees them walk by with Dude at their heels. He would give everything he has to be Dude. Just for a moment of their time. Just one glance that signifies that they know he is alive. He has seen so many on the verge of breaking down around the twins there are so many emotions for them that Noah really fears for anyone’s life that is in love with the twins. Noah watches from the desk. He sees something he will never know, something that is above him.

The men at UT began losing it. It was like mating season in the jungle with guys fighting over the twins. The twins attitude towards the whole situation is just “This happens all the time.” They are innocent. Just normal college girls that don’t know what is going on around them. How could they know the hundreds of broken hearts all over campus.

Finally, after waiting on the girls, Dude broke down and asked for just one date. The girls said no. It drove Dude so crazy that he threatened to throw himself off of the tower if they said no again. Fearing for Dude’s safety and sanity the twins came up with the only solution. They were never happy with any men. No one could treat them as normal people. Everyone wanted to be their friend or date them for shallow, one dimensional reasons. Football players were knocking on their doors all hours of the night. It all needed to stop. The Olson twins spoke with their publicist and decided that in order to save Dude’s life and to save their own from another three years of people torturing themselves to be with the twins they were going to go to an all girls university up North. The girls enrolled in Sweetbriar College the following year citing the location being closer to their home in the press release that was sent to every newspaper and magazine in the world. On the way out they said goodbye to Dude who had resigned as President of the Student Body in order to better care for the needs of the twins. Dude was heartbroken and desperate, but decided that he would do everything he could to work for an airline the next year so that he could go and see them whenever he wanted. As for Noah, he got an internship with DreamWorks and is currently writing the script to the Olson twin’s next movie and interestingly enough their love interest’s name in the movie is Noah. It’s called “Zulieka gives in.”

Word Count: 2288

 Note to the reader: It might seem that there is a lot of build up and then the story fizzles out. I found this to be partially true in reading Zuleika, just my interpretation.