Black
Tail Deer Forgives
It is cool today. It is that time in the cycle where much of
my food begins to disappear. The silent, swaying limbs that provide me with
food and shelter begin to lose their delicious greens. Sometimes the greens turn to red before
they fall, becoming lost in the undergrowth of my forest home. Luckily, the green
grasses underfoot will never go away; no matter what time it is in the cycle. I
know that my family and I will never run out of food while we stay around these
forested highlands, even if we do lose some of our favorite flowers, nuts and
berries in the cold [1].
It is not that we cannot venture far and wide in search of more
plentiful foods [2].
I have walked long distances, and seen many types of land. Some of our kind
lives where the tall, two-legged ones do. I tried it once. I slept in the parks
and walked around on the hard, grey streets. I grazed on the food that
surrounds the two-legged onesÕ homes. Some of them got angry with us; they
chased us around with sticks. Some of them let us into their homes, and we ate
juicy berries in a silent bliss. Around us, the tall ones made loud noises,
waving flashing things in our faces.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QU33QhOQa4
Many of my kind do not come down the hills to the two-legged
onesÕ homes. I have not been in many moons, not since I birthed my fawns. But
we should be able to go there and
eat. We know in our hearts that we were here first. We have watched them build
their towns all over our lands. We have watched the white ones take the place
of the ancient ones - the ones with the red-painted faces. They were the ones
that danced for us, the ones that called our names for guidance: in spirit and
in knowledge [3].
Like us, the two-legged ones can also live next to the ocean
or mountains. However they seem to need more than just group warmth and a keen sense
of sight and smell. They cover themselves in strange layers of unknown skins.
They keep building, more and more. They are very loud and move very slow.
Except for when they are in those big, loud, moving things that shine bright
lights and belch dark smoke. Then they move too fast. I have seen many of my
sisters killed because of this. I have also seen many of my sisters killed by
their guns and by their dogs who cannot say no. They ride up on their horses
that cannot say no, the horses shriek as my family is taken down. I see the
fear and sorrow in the horsesÕ eyes. I have seen this while running as fast as
I can. I have seen this while hiding as well as I can. Sometimes I see the tall
ones walking with my brothersÕ antlers slung over their wet shoulders. I have
smelt my brothersÕ blood. I do not know why they take them. I only know the
same sense of deep sadness that overcomes me when I see my siblings murdered,
time and time again. Sometimes I feel safer on those hard, grey streets, where
we cannot be chased with guns. The two-legged ones do not seem to like to hunt
us there, in front of all their kind.
However I know deep down that this forest is my true home.
For here, on the outskirts of the forest, my sisters and I live in relative
peace. My sharp sight and smell helps me watch for predators across the breezy
fields. And this forest, my provider and protector, is thick enough for a quick
escape [4]. But I am always on the
watch; I am always looking out for my fawn. For we all know what we are. We are
prey, and always have been. I do not question the inherent knowledge that my
fawnsÕ existence is as much a part as my own. Their safety is the relentless
point in everything I do. And for now, we are safe. Safe amongst the falling
leaves and the cooling air. Safe amongst the harmonious silences of nature. I
know I can live anywhere, but this feeling of my foot pressed down on the soft
forest ground is what I find true peace in.
~
At first, I did not want my spirit animal to be the deer; I
wanted it to be the horse. I admired the horseÕs spiritual strengths, and resonated
with many of them. I felt uncomfortable with how much the Deer is understood as
a species of prey. I did not want that association with perceived weakness.
However, DeerÕs first visit as my spirit animal was strong, and once she
appeared, she would not leave me alone. My first experience connecting with
Deer was by accident. Before our second viewing of Earthlings, we listened to a guided meditation by Ram Dass. As I
was sending out my message of love to all animals, a strange thing happened. In
the middle of the swirling images in my mind, a deer suddenly appeared, turning
its head and looking at me. It disturbed me greatly from my meditation. A day
later, two deer appeared in my dreams. I woke up very alert, and a memory I had
forgotten came back to me in strength, filling the mental image in my mind.
Months before, I had gone out into the woods with a group of ten girls. By
accident, we chose the coldest night of the year, but still had a great night
bonding in the all female group. In the morning, I intuitively went for a walk
alone in the woods, eager to look at the American Wilderness. I wandered
without a direction. I came into a clearing and was quite suddenly face-to-face
with a group of does. The closest doe turned around and looked at me, and I at
it. Nothing moved in the cold winter air, except the billows of our warm, misty
breath. I had never seen a wild deer before. We stared at each other for a long
time, before it turned away and resumed grazing in the grass. I was in absolute
shock and awe. As I lay in bed, keeping all this in mind, I came to the
realization and subsequent acceptance of the UniverseÕs message. After all,
ÒÉthe animal chooses the person, not the other way aroundÓ[5].
In Australia, the
deer is not a native animal, nor is it an introduced animal living in the wild.
There are only two places to meet a deer in Australia: a wildlife center or a
farm (there is, unfortunately, a micro market for venison meat). Therefore it
was always such a treat to catch any glimpse of a deer. They seemed so foreign
to me, and I was fascinated. I have always had a strong interest in any kind of
animal. As a child, you could find me with my nose buried in an encyclopedia
looking up poison arrow frogs in the Amazon, writing stories about dogs and
cats that walked on hind legs, or playing with insects in the dirt outside. I
had many animals as pets: horses, chickens, dogs, cats, blue-tongued lizards,
rabbits, guinea pigs, mice, budgies and fresh and saltwater fish. The Lion King, Bambi, Flipper, Free Willy
and Andre were my favorite movies. I
fancied I could talk to animals, and once, whispering to my horse, I completely
spooked her and she galloped away from me. I was more careful what I said to
her after that. I loved all my animals the same, and am told I was a curious,
friendly and gentle child.
Unfortunately, gentle people did not always surround me. Throughout
my childhood and teenage years, I had an unhappy relationship with my ex stepfather.
Due to the power relations of the situation, I was quite literally the prey of
his predatory behavior. Thus, from an early age, I learnt through experience
that some people are cruel and cold-hearted, and that their only way of venting
personal sorrows is to take it out on those they consider weaker. They think
they can make themselves feel bigger, only by making their targets feel
smaller.
I learnt that with nowhere to run, the only way to deal with
the situation was to sink within myself, to block out my external surroundings
and Òfind refuge in the forest of your inner selfÓ[6]. As soon as I was old
enough, I Òtook flight from the situationÓ[7] and found a safer home. I
have since read that this is the exact behavior of the individual whose spirit
animal is Deer. In hindsight, it is likely that my initial discomfort felt with
a spirit animal considered prey, is a product of feeling prey as a child. Despite
this form of sadness in my life, however, my mother and I are incredibly close.
I feel a deep maternal connection with her, even while she is in Tasmania, and
I am in Texas. We give each other strength. Nothing can break our bond, which
is testament to the matriarchal structure of the doeÕs life. Though males are
incredibly significant for the continuation of the family line, the does
constitute the social family [8]. It is the social interactions
that take place on a daily basis that strengthens the foundations of the
ÔherdÕ.
Unlike the White Tail Deer, who generally stay in the same
area for most of their lives, the Black Tail Deer is a wanderer [9]. The Black Tail lives in
the Northwest coast of North America, in much cooler conditions than their white-tailed
cousins. The Black Tail is a very adaptable creature, which can live on scrubby
ocean cliffs or the outskirts of temperate rainforests. Although many groups of
Black Tail choose to stay in one area, they are recognized as competent
travellers and can easily adapt to both urban and rural settings. Black Tails display differing behavioral
traits depending on their environment: ÒVariation in behavior and adaptability
go hand in hand and the variety of responses found in the black tail are an
expression of the animalÕs highly adjustable natureÓ.[10]
Adaptability is a characteristic I also find in myself. I
too come from a place of cooler climates and temperate rainforests – it
is what Tasmania is famous for. I have also lived next to the ocean for the
majority of my life, and spent days simply walking and swimming on the beach. Similarly,
Black Tail Deer are excellent swimmers and have been spotted swimming strongly
6 miles out to sea, making a 12-mile cross between coastal islands [11].
I believe this shows the true nature of the deer –
behind the sometimes nervous and flitting behavior, is a determined spirit, who
has integrity to their intentions. Like the Black Tail, I too am a wanderer. I
never like to stay in one spot for too long, and have done much international
travel. The Black TailÕs adaptability to different geographies reminds me of this
current stage in my life. As an exchange student, I have found that I can
easily adapt and immerse within new environments. I have taken on new cultures
and climates with ease. Perhaps this has to do with living in so many different
houses when I was growing up. For me, change really is my only constant.
On the level of personal characteristics, my friends have
often told me that I am a Ôpush-overÕ. I care so much about my loved onesÕ
happiness that I move to sacrifice my own as a result. Though making others
happy brings me joy, sometimes I become tired of pleasing everyone except
myself. This is characteristic of Deer, but I believe it is something I can grow
from. Some medicine I can take from the stag is his
Òpowerful and confident assertivenessÓ[12]. Though still a benevolent and considerate
being, the stag knows when to take control and will tackle problems head on. I
want to use his medicine to stop taking flight when I feel threatened, and to
stop letting myself be trampled on by others. This is not the only medicine
Deer has that can help me in my spiritual journey towards Anunda. Though I
always try to please others, I have problems understanding othersÕ point of
view. I have my morals, and I stand by them. If somebodyÕs view strongly opposes
my own, I will often refuse to understand them, without trying to view the
world from their position. Perhaps this is where I need to pull back StagÕs
antlers. For this refusal is unacceptable behavior in a leader, even if it is
never verbalized. Further, it stands in the way of my pursuit - not only in my happiness
with others, but also for the happiness within myself. To become a great leader
I must put judgments aside, and engage in the sympathetic imagination. I must
step outside of my own ego, and consider what it is like to walk in my
opponentsÕ shoes. I now turn to Deer, and try to embody the forgiveness and
gentleness that she wields [13].
I want to be like I was as a child again– loving of
all animals, without favorites. I believe Deer can guide me towards the
unconditional love of all beings, both human and non-human. Deer has come to me
at this certain period in my life for good reason. To help me heal and lift the
grudges from my childhood, and be gentler towards all people, not just the ones
I already know and love. Deer tells me that to be gentle with others requires
also being gentle with myself [14]. Deer is my spirit animal
of the Òright here, right nowÓ kind [15], but I hope she sticks
around for a while. I do not know how well Deer will do on the plane travelling
back to Australia, or living in a foreign land. But if there is one thing I can
do for Deer now, and one thing she can do for me, it is to use her medicine
while I am still in her native lands. I will practice her unconditional love,
and bring it back home with me as a better leader. In the process, our love
will, quite literally, span the earthÕs globe.
Word Count without Quotations and Footnotes:
2,352
Word Count with Quotations and Footnotes:
2,653
URL Address for Blog Entry:
https://courses.utexas.edu/webapps/portal/frameset.jsp
Images and Multimedia:
(i) Black Tail Doe in the Forest http://www.google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&sa=N&biw=1276&bih=639&tbm=isch&tbnid=mFKgU18hz-mpyM:&imgrefurl=http://animals.desktopnexus.com/wallpaper/504913/&docid=ViUVxt3MJ_O43M&imgurl=http://static.desktopnexus.com/thumbnails/504913-bigthumbnail.jpg&w=450&h=331&ei=C3lkUIzxIcri0gHE34CgBQ&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=222&vpy=155&dur=574&hovh=192&hovw=262&tx=153&ty=113&sig=106684160803161513777&page=1&tbnh=128&tbnw=181&start=0&ndsp=18&ved=1t:429,r:13,s:0,i:181
(ii) Watch Black Tails Dining Out on Raspberries in the
City
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QU33QhOQa4
(iii) Strange Trend in Hunters' Photography: Positioning the
Killed Deer to Look like it is Simply Resting -- Denial of the Brutality?
http://www.google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&sa=N&biw=1276&bih=639&tbm=isch&tbnid=lS-8TmuHGKdbQM:&imgrefurl=http://www.gasandtime.com/Hunt/deer/deer.htm&docid=0M5vuCpbVeHBzM&imgurl=http://www.gasandtime.com/Hunt/deer/PB020154half.jpg&w=800&h=600&ei=IIBkUMnXGuPx0gGSvIGQAQ&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=575&vpy=109&dur=215&hovh=194&hovw=259&tx=196&ty=122&sig=106684160803161513777&page=3&tbnh=138&tbnw=205&start=32&ndsp=21&ved=1t:429,r:13,s:32,i:231
(iv)Safe for Now, but Always Alert
http://www.grit.com/uploadedImages/GRT/blogs/Lisa/Deer-in-the-forest.jpg?n=3046
(v) Frida Kahlo and I Have Both Shared the Feeling of
Being Prey
http://s484.photobucket.com/albums/rr202/dancinglotus/?action=view¤t=frida_thelittledeer1946.jpg&newest=1
(vi)Courage in the Ocean
http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.outdooroddities.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/deer_swimming_in_the_ocean_001.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.outdooroddities.com/2012/01/09/deer-swimming-in-the-ocean-2/&h=375&w=500&sz=46&tbnid=7fSMBk8JzC3j1M:&tbnh=90&tbnw=120&zoom=1&usg=__umcNxlefjDpy7o-unqsZQHWPT4o=&docid=Zcvlbf1yZ4AbVM&sa=X&ei=F4FkUJOnCZOL0QHxpoGQBA&ved=0CD4Q9QEwBg&dur=204
(vii) Love
Transferred
http://www.google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&biw=1276&bih=639&tbm=isch&tbnid=-O6evNYljDo9TM:&imgrefurl=http://vi.sualize.us/the_her_fawn_girl_doe_danny_roberts_painting_picture_5PD5.html&docid=CR1fa-WGKBea5M&imgurl=http://cdnimg.visualizeus.com/thumbs/05/de/flower,and,dirt,artist,danny,roberts,deer,doe,forest-05de2a27774470c8f5cb099299620ce9_h.jpg&w=500&h=403&ei=fIFkUIW5I8T40gHrxoHQDA&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=273&sig=106684160803161513777&page=1&tbnh=129&tbnw=142&start=0&ndsp=19&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0,i:71&tx=73&ty=37